How to identify a player?

Player: An Actor. EG. All the world's a stage and the men and women merely players. Shakespeare.

Tongues: An alien language as well as an instrument for licking.


According to Sir William Shakespeare (whom thee hates to the core for torturing me with his 'tongues'), all men and women are players. For just this once, he earned my consensus.

In ancient times, people often have the misconception that the world is flat. It is no different now. Women often have the misconception that a player = a guy. In truth, players = guys/gals who are non-practitioners of monogamy and have a tendency towards promiscuity.

As the saying goes, it takes one to know one. If you are a player (gal), you would know a player (guy), so congrats, you are born with the innate gift to spot players. If you are not, please read on.

1. A true player will never show his cards. My point being, ANYONE could be a player, TRUST NO ONE!
2. A player keeps his love/dating profile low, if he practices the tactic of divergence when questioned, be suspicious.
3. Most players drive, you gotta be rich to play.
4. Birds of the same feather flock together, observe his group of friends closely.
5. Plant spies around him. Networking is very important, socialize with his friends, more importantly, his friends' girlfriends. Give one another mutual support. Test his friends out subtly about his past and see if the facts are congruent.
6. Trust your best friends' intuition. Love is blind, so are you.
7. Find some way to get your hands on his phone and check his inbox and outbox for flirty SMSes other than yours.
8. Only resort to this if all else fails. Use your friend as bait to fish him out. Point of caution: If your friend is real real hot stuff, you might have converted a non-player to a player.
   

I can resist anything but temptation. Oscar Wilde

P.S Here's an idea ladies. Create a website and list all the players on the "most unwanted" list, but make VERY sure they are REAL players before crucifying them because unlike the one, they do not have the power to rise from the dead.

What turns men on?

Men prefer looks to brains because most men can see better than they can think.
Germaine Greer

1) Long hair is a must.

2) Large adorable eyes. Perhaps you can try putting on some make-up to enhance the size of your eyes or you could use those 'make your pupils larger' contact lenses.

3) The most common misconception women have, beauty=thin. In actual fact, men prefer plump to thin, Jennifer Lopez to Keira Knightly. So it's really ok to indulge in your best male friends, Ben and Jerry once in a while.

4) Too much of anything is no good. Too much make-up makes you look like a geisha or those traditional operea chinese singers which seriously, isn't too appealing to men. So ladies, sure you can put on make up, but do make it natural-looking .

5) Cute-looking girls. Cute as in babyish looking. So better cash in while you are still babyish. Defy your parents, go “pa to” when you are young, that way, you stand a better chance of catching a better man. If not, prepare to hustle and bustle with other spinsters for the "cheap" leftovers sold at discounted prices.

6) Why do men have difficulty making eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes.
Need I say more?

Disclaimer: The above views are those of my own. The reader has the discretion to determine in what manner she wishes to comply with the above recommendations. I shall not be liable for any false hopes, dateless nights that may arise from its use.

WHY MEN LIE?

“Can I get into trouble for something I haven't done?” asked the student.
“No,” replied the Headmaster.
“Good – I haven't done my homework.”

Lie: noun, an action in which one person deliberately sets out to mislead another.

1) A man lies to make himself look good, for example to win respect or sex appeal. Men love to lie about how wild they were when they were young.
2) Men lie to avoid arguments.

The good thing about men is we know our weaknesses, that we are not good liars or rather, women nowadays are too sharp so we come up with this strategy that as long as we don't lie to ourselves, the women wouldn't be able to detect the 'lies'.

A couples goes shopping and the woman tries on a bikini.

“Honey, what do you think of this bikini?”
I think the bikini doesn't cover enough of your saggy breasts.

Always tell the truth – and then run.
PROVERB

The man being too tired to run after countless hours of shopping then chooses the path of least collision. “Words fail me,” replied the man followed by his imitation of a most dashing George Clooney smile.

The woman thinks he is smiling at her wanton figure.
The guy is in fact smiling at his own ingenuity having managed to avoid a war.

It's an injustice the person who invented Email and SMS didn't win a Nobel. How many arguments have been avoided through the advent of email?

Word of advice to fellow guys. If possible, never try lying to a woman face to face, best to use SMS or Email. Women have a tremendous sixth sense, not the “I see dead people” sense but the “I smell fishy lies” sense.

A word of defense for the men. We lie to avoid wars and casualties (emotional). We lie because it is in our nature to make ourselves look good, you can't fault a lion hunting his prey for food, neither can you fault us for trying to make ourselves look good. The bottom line is, we're just being ourselves, we're just being men.

Do you love someone because she is beautiful or is she beautiful because you love her?

I love someone because she is beautiful and she is even more beautiful because I love her. Both 'beautiful' have little essence of the physical side but more on beauty as a whole, beauty as a person. In order to like someone, you have to find her beautiful. Now now, don't go all superficial. The beauty I'm referring to doesn't mean physical beauty only, for me to define 'beauty' in words is to undermine the beauty of beauty. How do you explain to your loved one why you like him or her? In the mandarin version of Fifty First Dates, Louis Khoo was asked that question and so he thought about it for an entire day before finally realizing that you don't need a reason to like someone, you like her simply because you like her. You find her beautiful because you find her beautiful.

SPG(Single Picky Girl) Janice once said she would love to hear a man say to her, “You make me want to be a better man,” just like some actor whose name unfortunately escapes my tiny brain at this point of time in the movie “As Good As It Gets”. Similarly, I would SO love to hear my girl utter the words, “You make me want to be a better woman.”

Just Kidding! It's so GU NIANG (sissy)! Perhaps I'm an MCP but it just sounds weird...

I guess women's main concern is whether her man likes her for her looks only or likes her for just being her. The curse of the beautiful, life is fair after all.

When it comes to guys, love is a procession of stages. The preliminary stage functions to filter out unsuitable candidates, basic criteria to look out for: LOOKS! We are not looking out for extreme beauties mind you, just someone pleasant looking which is of course subjective to every guy. In fact, my dream girl or girls wouldn't be the super models nor the so called 'Chio Bus', just some sweet and pleasant girl next door. It's just like I would prefer the Kopitiam Breakfast set of "Loti", eggs and "Kopi" then a plate of shark fins for breakfast everyday. Shark fins are nice for occasional treats but they are too 'rich' too 'intense' to be eaten everyday. The 'Loti', eggs and 'Kopi' are the true simple pleasures of life that I will never grow sick of. The same goes for my taste of ladies.

If you fail the first audition, don't be discouraged, if the guy is any worth your liking at all, he would spare you a 2nd chance based on the 'feel' or 'chemistry' between the 2 of you. If his 'feel' for you is strong enough to make him want to be a better man and overcome his emphasis on physical beauty, then congratulations, it's time to dish out Robbie William's “Better Man”.

"Send someone to love me,
I need to rest in arms ... "

GOING DUTCH???

I've always wondered why 'Going Dutch' is called 'Going Dutch', is it the practice of all Dutch people? If it's so, how I long to be one! If I were Dutch, I could be a Bill Gates by now with all the money saved!

I was asked by a journalist-to-be once, “Do you think men should always foot the bill or is it best to go dutch?” My innocent rational reply was, “Well, it depends on who's more financially able,” while my geeky friend suddenly turned all knightly and gallantly replied that men should always bear the costs. It was at this point in time that I became one with Alice and understood how she must have felt in Wonderland when she drank the shrinking potion.

In my defense, I wasn't thinking at that time. It was the rational me speaking. Remember, there are always 2 sides to a story, 2 sides on a coin and 2 sides to a person. My emotional side was taking a nap when I was waylaid by this question. Come to think of it ladies, it really is a good litmus test of how much the guy is fond of his date. Speaking from experience, though I don't fall in love easily (which doesn't necessarily mean less experience as Father Hemmingway once said 'sometimes, LESS IS MORE!'), I would willingly pay all expenses for my beautiful damsel. So assuming my damsel is not a witch with a PHD in engineering love potion, I believe that if the guy truly likes the lady, he would willingly bear all costs without grudges, even his virginity.

However ladies, some guys are really not rich, so if you don't want your muscular hunks to go on 'diet' eating pathetic cup noodles so they could date you, do offer to pick up the tab once in a while.

I'm definitely not a believer of going dutch, for if we were to split things up so evenly, then that defeats the entire purpose of being together. We might as well split up and walk our separate paths. Besides, if a couple orders shared food like Fish N Co's 'Seafood Platter', most girls would be at a disadvantage if they go dutch. Seeing that practically no one brings calculators to dates, it's just fair to assume the one who ate the lion's share of food foot the bill. Besides, all these years in the history of mankind, it's always the men who brings home the food, why should now be any different?

Note: I'd suggest banana splits for practioners of 'Going Dutch', it's easier to do a 'split'. Perhaps banana splits ought to be known as a 'breakup food' to facilitate easier breakups.

Should You Really Play Hard To Get???

Plenty of guy friends tell you they dislike girls who play hard to get... So does this mean you shouldn't do so?

Nobody says playing hard to get is easy, nobody says life is easy. The art is not to let the 'victim' be aware of your intention. You have to keep him guessing, keep him on his toes. If he knows that you are playing hard to get, that also means he knows you are 'fond' (some people may be attention junkie and just wants to get as many people to fall in love with them as possible) of him and that defeats the whole purpose of your action.

The whole point of playing hard to get is really just to keep him guessing. You want him to know there is a possibility that you might be fond of him and also a possibility that you might not. Basically, you want him to pluck the petals of a forget-me-not and play the sissy game of "she loves me, she loves me not, she so loves me, she so loves me not..." He would then have to engage in a knightly quest to woo you or risk losing you.

Take the analogy of baiting the horse with the carrot. If the horse knows that you are using the carrot to toy with him, will it still chase after the carrot? Nobody, not even animals like to be toyed with for sure.

So in order to play a good game of hard to get,
make sure you don't play yourself too hard to get!
(To be continued...)

Never let him gain complete mastery of you!

This may sound like rule number one but it's not exactly the same. It comes into play at the stage whereby you two are already a couple. How to play hard to get when he already got you right?

So yes, he got you, but how much hold has he of you? If you ever let him think he has you totally under his control, DANGER!!! That is when you are no longer a challenge. You are a goal achieved, a trophy conquered and to be left at the back of the cabinet for dust to accumulate. Boys will always be boys! The venturous streak in them will urge themselves to find a newer and fresher challenge, another goal to conquer.

NEVER EVER let that happen! But how?

The dating game is like the dangling of carrot in front of the horse. When he thinks he got you and starts to slow down, draw the carrot further, make him work harder chase harder. When he's tired and about to give up, draw the carrot closer, whet his appetite. The important thing is, NEVER EVER let him have the carrot! Make him hunger for you.

Let's be more specific. So he's already taking things for granted, he doesn't reply to your SMSes. What to do?

STOP SMSing HIM! So he confronts you, and you bring up the matter to which he responds by injecting you with a dose of guilt, “Isn't love about giving without expecting returns?” Finding the dosage not potent enough, he seeks alliance from the all mighty one and whips out the all-time best-seller (Now we know why it's the best-seller), the holiest of holiest book (At which you shrivel in pain like Gollum in LOTR) from his 'GUILT' toolkit. With a halo over his head, sprouting arch-angel wings at his sides and blinding you with the holy light, he says,


"Love is patient,
Love is kind.
It does not envy,
it does not boast,
it is not proud.
It is not rude,
it is not self-seeking,
it is not easily angered,
it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil
but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects,
always trusts,
always hopes,
always perseveres.
Love never fails!”


You are enlightened, you shrink in forgiveness and guilt. Oh holy one, forgive me. I was wrong,
I was wretched, you cry, you lose...

Unconditional LOVE?! Go to heaven! Go find JESUS!

Don't ever let him make you feel bad, he's simply playing the guilt game which is extremely effective on people who are idealistic or perfectionist.

Some humans are not patient,
some are not kind,
humans envy,
humans boast,
humans are definitely proud,
and some are even rude,
humans are all self-seeking, (seeking our other halves to complete ourselves)
and some are easily angered.
We definitely keep record of wrongs, (Go catch a couple in the act of quarreling)
and we don't always protect,
don't always trust,
always hope
but don't always persevere.
Love never fails???!!!

If love never fails, then how do you explain the phenomenon of divorces and breakups ?
Are they not experiencing true love? Hasn't your once intense love for someone dwindle with time or condition? What I'm saying is all these bullshit about love is too perfect, too idealistic! To err is human! To love is human! If err=human=love, then how can love be perfect?

These are laws not to live up to, but yardsticks to be measured upon! If love was an exam, then to score 100, you would have to match up to these yardsticks. When you don't score 100, you don't go blaming yourself. Getting an 80 is good enough. It is what makes you human! Remember, to err is to be human. To get 100 is to be perfect, and perfect=god. And if you want to get 100, that makes you want to be god, and that makes you SATURN! Because he too wants to be god! You don't want to be another Lucifer do you?!

Yes I know I'm preachy, but age is catching up with me. So my point finally is, know that you are human! Understand yourself, it's just human to expect something when you give. If you don't, congratulations, you're perfect! But for the most of us, we're not. So forgive yourself, give yourself a break! Don't make things so hard for yourself! Remember, we have to live with ourselves for life. So NO, it's not wrong for you to expect a return, it's just natural, it's how we are programmed. Don't ever ever let him use the guilt complex to manipulate you again. Females are infinitely more prone to it so BEWARE!

So you ask how to carry out this rule?

One way you could do so is to take your time to respond to his SMSes or you can even ignore him. Make him ponder, make him think about you. When he wants to meet you and ask if you are free on a particular day, say you have something on that day, make him fix another date to let him know he's slipping down the priority list. Let him know you have plenty of guy friends who are damn eligible bachelors too! (Lack of eligible bachelors? Befriend me!) Let him know that you hang around with them occasionally. Let him know that you have plenty of guys after you, but do this discreetly. Use your friends. Tell his “ally” (the one that he uses to fish out information about you when he was on your pursuit) to let him know you're HOT HOT property and lately, you're seeing more and more of a particular guy who's rich and handsome and even drives a PORCHE! Point of caution though. Make sure your friend harbors no secret liking for him else she could really be out to break it for you. Yes, shit happens! To sum it up, let him know that he might lose you.

If you don't believe all these, recall back to the days when he was chasing after you, when he hasn't GOT you? Notice the difference?

WHAT ATTRACTS A MAN?

Ladies, have you ever wondered WHAT ATTRACTS A MAN? Well, fret not, let me give you my take on it. These rules which I prefer to call as guidelines may not apply to all guys, (whichever theory about human behavior does?) but it should apply to most guys, if most guys are like my friends and I. Worse come to worse, at least these are what we desire in women, so if any of you have the slightest interest in me or my friends, well, congratutions! This is the holy grail!


RULE NUMBER 1:

Your mum is right after all, PLAY HARD TO GET! If you had read Tom Sawyer instead of the girly books like Nancy Drews when you were young, you would have gain a better understanding of boys. Remember, Boys will always be Boys! Men are boys in disguise!


Tom Sawyer, “He had discovered a great law of human action, without knowing it--namely, that in order to make a man or a boy covet a thing, it is only necessary to make the thing difficult to attain.”

Even in organizational behavior, we learn that the more difficult goals energize us because we have to work harder to attain them. As our very own Single Picky Girl Janice Wong said, “Human nature is perverse. When someone is excessively nice to us, we start taking things for granted, instead of appreciating them even more.”


Of course, terms and conditions (to be written later and DEFINITELY NOT IN SMALL PRINT) apply, as I've said earlier, this is only a guideline, assuming ceteris paribus, this should work. But as we all know by now, reality and people are often more complicated then we can ever comprehend which is illustrated so beautifully by Mark Hadden, in the
"Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time".


"This is how you work out what prime numbers are. First you write down all the positive whole numbers in the world. Then you take away all the numbers that are multiples of 2. Then you take away all the numbers that are multiples of 3. Then you take away all the numbers that are multiples of 4 and 5 and 6 and 7 and so on. The numbers that are left are the prime numbers.

The rule for working out prime numbers is really simple but no one has ever worked out a simple formula for telling you whether a very big number is a prime number or what the next one will be….

Prime numbers are what is left when you have taken all the patterns away. I think prime numbers are like life. They are very logical but you could never work out the rules, even if you spent all your time thinking about them."